Sometimes

Sometimes you say things you don't feel. Sometimes you feel something but don't say it. But sometimes, you know that something is true whether anyone says it or feels it, or not. I know that I'm loved in ways that run so much deeper than human love ever could, even though it doesn't always feel that way. I'm not even capable of understanding just how much I don't deserve this.

Human love of any kind is no replacement for God's love. Neither is it wise to chase after the one at the expense of the other (not that we can lose His love, but the fellowship it brings about is not worth losing).

I am aiming to learn to be content in all things. Not content as in simply passive - that can be a problem when it comes to being too comfortable in my life. But contentment is a gift. If I allow bitterness, resentment, and discontentment to become my friends, they will start to change who I am on the inside. And that's not something that money, fame, or marriage would ever change. If I'm content with my life now, I am much more likely to continue being content when and if things ever change.

I'm still learning about love, and while human love is a wonderful thing, it alone cannot "fix" me, or save me from anything. I would be let down and discouraged if I depended on it to that extent.

This time of my life is wonderful... the freedom, the friends, the choices and adventure... Help me to appreciate it the way I should :-)

I'm okay

At times I come to realize a taste of the true privilege of owning a vehicle - just coming home in the evening and leaving it down there in the lot - this monster of mechanics and metal that is worth over a thousand dollars (I think), and yet is fully mine, and gets me safely where I want to go. And when I come down in the morning, it's right there. I turn a key, get inside, and can go anywhere I want to. Well, I go to work. But theoretically, ya know.

And yet how quick I am to complain that "Oh, it's cold! The heater takes so long to warm up! Ugh, I have to spend two minutes of my life scraping ice off the windshield! Sheesh, my rear window is so dirty - why can't I have a functioning rear windshield wiper?" I'm such a spoiled brat. Really. And I should be able to realize this more often than just when a major disaster hits an impoverished country.

I am incredibly blessed. And too often I find it enough to just say that and be glad with it, but really, what's the point of a blessing if not to pass it along? Does God bless me because he just wants me to have a sheltered, quiet life, without too much danger, because I'm somehow more special than the people who don't live a life of such high privilege? No!

I would like to be able to do more than just pray and donate some cash - but I'm sure many others would too. I would really like to keep my heart open for more opportunities after this summer wraps up. I'm praying that my sponsored girls in Haiti are okay.

I remember reading a book called "Where we stand: class matters" in philosophy class, and the author talked about the ways people can rationalize not giving to the poor. Because, believe it or not, even people that you see as "rich" have people that they consider even richer than themselves. And the author contended that as long as we have people who we think make us "inferior" financially, we don't feel compelled to give much, because we feel that they should be doing it.

Comparison for the sake of rationalization, or shirking of responsibilities, is a bad thing. But comparison is kinda necessary sometimes, when I find myself getting too content with the wonderful life that I have.

Every day is New Year's Day

It is now the fourth day of this new decade, and I have yet to produce any kind of obligatory "New Year's" entry. Considering my penchant in the past for exhaustive year-end reviews, it seems strange that I have waited so long to write anything, especially since we had a 3-day snowstorm over the weekend, and before going to work today, I hadn't been out of the apartment since getting groceries on Saturday.

Well. I suppose it's becoming clearer in which direction my paltry New Year's resolutions shall (or should) lie. Perhaps in minimizing distractions?

Really though, this time spent snowed in has helped me realize how much I miss the society of others, and this is perhaps the area in which I need the most work. I'm not the person who always knows what to say at the right time - in fact, my silence is more often due to the fact that I usually do the opposite, rather than genuinely having nothing to say. I rarely, if ever, initiate things. Not because I don't want it, but don't know if it will work. Sometimes I have a hard time knowing if I'm helping or hurting. Perhaps it's worth it to try anyway?

Enough of that. I've decided I'm going to try more. (I really should quit with these increasingly vague Resolutions). This short year has proven beyond a doubt that waiting until some grand new "start" (like the beginning of a decade) is not enough motivation to make me change. If I want to change, I just have to resolve to do it, instead of waiting for something. Because there will never be enough motivation out there if I look at it that way.

I know I wasn't the only Mainer who spent a rather lazy weekend at home, out of necessity and safety rather than desire. But it's not okay to be comfortable with that on a regular basis. I'm already making plans for the summer that will take me out of my comfort zone in more ways than one, and I pray that God will use me to impact others instead of just others impacting me this time.

I also resolve to use less "I" in this blog, even though it is mine.

All I want for Christmas.... is couscous

I must admit, I'm quite bemused at the news networks out there, and how they would have us believe that the future of our economic security rests on how much junk consumers buy for each other this Christmas. Maybe it does, what do I know? So what are you waiting for? Go save the country and buy me a present!!!

Seriously, I don't need any presents. I have a roof over my head, and food, and a job, and two awesome roommates, and a cat, and good friends, and... honestly, all the junk I could ever need. Well, I might be needing a new laptop soon. Mine is over 6 years old, which in computer years is more like 86. But I'm sure I will find the money for one, in time. I'm not writing that on any Christmas lists.

So I'm sitting here during my lunch break, which is a whole hour, but always feels much shorter. I just ate my pb&j, and am now surfing a recipe site to try and figure out what kinds of things I should cook this week. I'm specifically looking for something to do with couscous.

I bought a whole bunch of whole wheat couscous in bulk at Whole Foods, and it's good stuff, which I ate a lot of in past months. I usually cook it up with chicken broth and whatever veggies I have on hand - onions, carrots, mushrooms, etc. It was cheap, and quick, and filling, but I just kinda got tired of it. So I'm looking for ways to spruce it up a bit more. And I've found some very yummy-looking ideas. And garlic is included, which is always a plus.

Speaking of spruce, I'm getting a Christmas tree this weekend! I'm gonna haul the cah up to the 'rents place and grab a hacksaw and go into the woods and find one that's the right size (not very big), and then I'm gonna chop it down! And haul my conquest back to my cah, which should freshen up the old cah smell right quick.

I swear I'm not a redneck. Anymore.

Merry Christmas. Shop, cut down trees, and listen to (good) Christmas music, but don't forget Jesus. He's kinda the one who made all the rest of it possible :-)

It was a beautiful letdown

I failed NaNoWriMo this year. I got a good start, then had to take five days off for DC, and a couple more here and there, and before long I realized I had to make a choice between "winning" NaNo, and getting enough sleep to be functional human being. Call me a bad novelist. Perhaps success will continue to elude me until I become a zombie-fied, coffee-addicted, over-dramatic hermit. But it's okay. There will be time for writing. Something tells me it would be far more prudent to develop the discipline to write during months other than November - which I have yet to get very far with. I'm blaming facebook.

But you know what? I'm glad I failed. It meant I got the chance to travel and spend time with some awesome people - it meant I had the time to read and study other books besides my own - it meant my other work wasn't as rushed as it would have been otherwise. It meant I got sleep. It meant I actually talked to people this month, rather than retreating further into my shell.

I won NaNo last year, and all I have is 50,000 words of unedited fiction. I love the characters - it wasn't a total waste, and it gave me good experience on scene-writing. But it's still just laying there. If I'm ever going to do something with it, I'll need to develop more of a routine.

This year's novel is stuck in the middle of the discouraged, seeking, self-absorbed brain of its main character. If getting out of that early meant that that wasn't the case for my own brain, then yes, I'm glad I failed. I hope to always continue failing at my own projects if they only lead me more into the dead shell of myself. There's much more on the other side!

Christmas songs

Ah, Christmas music! It may be a little early, but I'm loving the old memories of last year... and all the years previous. The traditional carols, the newer additions, the musical magic and seasonal serenity - I love it all.

Except that darned Christmas Shoes song.

Why? Are we running out of inanimate objects to attach contrived sentimentality to? Were there not enough songs of sleigh bells and trees and cookies and chestnuts and silver and gold and two front teeth? Christmas shoes? Seriously??

Not to frown upon anyone who likes the song. I understand. Well, I understand everyone's different. It just seems fake to me. Either way, enjoy it if you do. We certainly have an odd variety of songs to choose from sometimes!

The meaning of ignorance

The dictionary defines ignorance thusly:
"The condition of being uneducated, unaware, or uninformed."

This is a common "condition" that can be found in the perspectives of everyone in some way or another. I guarantee that there are some things (most likely obscure and relatively unimportant) I know that you don't. In that one sense, you are more ignorant than me. On the other hand, the more refined our own respective fields of knowledge become, the more subjects there are that you know much more about that I do, making me more ignorant than you.

However, this is a more specific application of the term. If someone was to be called wholly ignorant (of everything), that would imply that they have no education whatsoever, are unaware of what's going on, and aren't informed about anything. In truth, I think there are very few people who fall into this category.

What I'm seeing a lot of though, especially in a climate of high political intensity, emotion, and name-calling, is this term being used as a general insult, applied in a general way over a dispute that is usually about subjects that are much more specific in nature.

It's like another way of calling someone "stupid" but in a slightly more grown-up and politically correct way. It's still intended to have the same kind of sting. Like I said, there are people who are (willingly or unwillingly) very ignorant, but I've come to believe that when the average person calls someone this, all they're really saying is "you don't know the same things I do." News flash. Does that really make a person ignorant in general? I don't think so.

In this case, a good response to this is "ignorant of what?" Get the person to give up their secrets - spill exactly what it is that they know that you don't. Most of the time, all this uncovers is that both people do indeed know things the other doesn't, but that this stems more from a difference of opinions and choice of sources rather than general stupidity.

Two people can both be completely informed, educated, and aware of the stories broadcast by their favorite news network, but if that network has a bias, or the news is inaccurate (which is the case to some degree with every network), then both people will call each other ignorant, simply for following different sources.

For example, global warming and its causes. I'm often annoyed by the scare tactics involved in spreading "awareness" about it, and also the apparent disconnect between this and the previous generation's certainty that we were on the verge of another ice age. But no matter. The point is, I will be the first one to admit that I'm ignorant about many of the sources of this hysteria. I don't know many scientists personally, nor do I spend large amounts of time reading and researching scientific data. I don't know who started this craze (besides Al Gore), who is currently studying it, how many scientists are involved, how many have differing opinions, and how many of these people are really qualified to be making such statements about earth's climate anyway.

Nor am I asking anyone to comment and give me all kinds of data :-P Because that's the point... what I've read about this subject comes from different sources than what many other people read - therefore we're all ignorant. If you're not a scientist doing all of this research yourself, then you're most likely getting any information from second or third-hand sources anyway. I'm also ignorant of many medical conditions. Really, the majority of us are, since very few people are actual physicians, and even physicians don't know everything. Even the "experts" (in any field) must ultimately apply their own interpretation to any data they may find.

There are also "experts" on every side of things. Ever watched a court trial, and seen the experts from both sides give completely opposite interpretations of an autopsy, or other kind of evidence? Who's ignorant? One or both?

Of course, I'm not saying there's an excuse for being willingly ignorant...for refusing to learn or at least hear other sides of things and take other perspectives into account. But I've found that calling someone ignorant just because they have a different opinion than me isn't very smart... it generally means I have three fingers pointing back at myself. The real difference is worldview - I don't believe humans have sole control of the universe, and therefore my views on global warming will automatically be different than someone who believes the opposite. But that doesn't mean I'm ignorant.